A Newborn's Conversation with God
A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again, the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I wan to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "Got if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, 'Mom'."
Author and photographer unknown
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again, the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I wan to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "Got if I am about to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, 'Mom'."
Author and photographer unknown
Thoughts, Jokes, & Tidbits
The Seven Wonders of the World, in my opinion, are:
1) to see
2) to hear
3) to touch
4) to taste
5) to feel
6) to laugh
7) and to love
and the source for ALL wonders is:
Jesus Christ.
1) to see
2) to hear
3) to touch
4) to taste
5) to feel
6) to laugh
7) and to love
and the source for ALL wonders is:
Jesus Christ.
Too Fancy
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a very posh nursing home and left her, certain she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a delicious breakfast and set her in a chair overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed OK but, after a while, she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. An attentive nurse immediately rushed to straighten her back up. This went on all morning--the elderly woman leaning, the nurse straightening.
At lunch, the woman's daughter arrived and asked how she was adjusting to her new home.
"So, Mom," asked the daughter. "How is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied, "but they won't let me fart!"
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a delicious breakfast and set her in a chair overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed OK but, after a while, she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. An attentive nurse immediately rushed to straighten her back up. This went on all morning--the elderly woman leaning, the nurse straightening.
At lunch, the woman's daughter arrived and asked how she was adjusting to her new home.
"So, Mom," asked the daughter. "How is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied, "but they won't let me fart!"
Who Is Older, Grandma?
When our grandson, then 7, began having trouble with his vision (he was born prematurely and had R.O.P.--underdeveloped eyes), I told him we had to pray that things would improve for him.
"Grandma, do you pray often?"
I nodded. "Wherever I am, whenever I feel the need."
"Wow" His eyes were huge as he took all this in.
"Is God like your best friend?"
"Yes, indeed." I smiled. "Why, I've known him since I was a young girl about your age."
"Really?" My grandson smiled. "Can you tell me who's older ... you or God?"
"Grandma, do you pray often?"
I nodded. "Wherever I am, whenever I feel the need."
"Wow" His eyes were huge as he took all this in.
"Is God like your best friend?"
"Yes, indeed." I smiled. "Why, I've known him since I was a young girl about your age."
"Really?" My grandson smiled. "Can you tell me who's older ... you or God?"
Mutilated Bills
When I first began working as a corporation vault teller, I had no previous banking experience. My trainer--very patient--took time to explain most everything but, tiny details were often omitted. Thus, when I first came across a torn dollar bill, I was confused as to what to do with it.
"Mutilate it, separate it from the rest of the bills."
"But," I protested, "someone already mutilated it."
She waved her hand. "That's beside the point! YOU need to mutilate it! If you don't, the Office of the Treasury will not replace it!"
She left me for a moment to speak with another teller. So, thinking I had this 'duty' to the U.S. government, I began tearing the dollar bill into tiny little pieces.
Suddenly my trainer turned, saw what I was doing, and rushed over saying ... "Why did you tear that bill up? Now we have to tape it back together!"
As if on clue, the manager showed up in my defense. "Remember, Lois, that she takes everything litterally! She does whatever YOU tell her to do! What did you say?"
Her head hung. "I told her to mutilate the bill!"
"Mutilate it, separate it from the rest of the bills."
"But," I protested, "someone already mutilated it."
She waved her hand. "That's beside the point! YOU need to mutilate it! If you don't, the Office of the Treasury will not replace it!"
She left me for a moment to speak with another teller. So, thinking I had this 'duty' to the U.S. government, I began tearing the dollar bill into tiny little pieces.
Suddenly my trainer turned, saw what I was doing, and rushed over saying ... "Why did you tear that bill up? Now we have to tape it back together!"
As if on clue, the manager showed up in my defense. "Remember, Lois, that she takes everything litterally! She does whatever YOU tell her to do! What did you say?"
Her head hung. "I told her to mutilate the bill!"
Not Much Time
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist. "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go polay golf, so forget about the anesthetic, just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time for the anesthetic to work."
The dentist thought to himself. "My goodness, this is a very brave man to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So~the dentists asks, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
The Round-Up, Redmond
The dentist thought to himself. "My goodness, this is a very brave man to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So~the dentists asks, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
The Round-Up, Redmond
Darwin Awards 2009
Subject: Darwin Awards 2009
Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. "The Darwins " are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
Here is the official 2009 list.
Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us - from of all places, Arkansas .. How surprising is that?
This years nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: ( San Jose Mercury News):
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: ( Kalamazoo Gazette):
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.
Nominee No. 3: ( Hickory Daily Record):
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto ):
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students.. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note:????) members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN.
A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ):
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: ( Arkansas Democrat Gazette):
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Pat ch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
WoodruffCounty deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead."
Stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. "The Darwins " are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
Here is the official 2009 list.
Notice the interesting spin for this year's first place award which comes to us - from of all places, Arkansas .. How surprising is that?
This years nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: ( San Jose Mercury News):
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: ( Kalamazoo Gazette):
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.
Nominee No. 3: ( Hickory Daily Record):
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: (UPI, Toronto ):
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings' windows to visiting law students.. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" (ed note:????) members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: (The News of the Weird):
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN.
A Jay Countryman, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: (Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ):
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: ( Arkansas Democrat Gazette):
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Pat ch on State Highway 38 early Monday.
WoodruffCounty deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.
The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead."
Stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole 's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Did You Hear About The Person Who ...
Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam?
Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric?
Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education?
Ate some pennies and then asked if anyone saw any CHANGE in him?
Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by EAR?
Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes?
Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew someone was home?
Brought a ladder to the part because the drinks were ON THE HOUSE?
Put his chin on the curb to get his mind OUT OF THE GUTTER?
Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts?
Took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because he heard they had FREE DELIVERY?
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